Thanks to Eli for bringing this work of genius to my attention, and for giving me blogging rights. I owe you one, dude.

M tells me that CSI Miami is apparently the most watched show in the entire world. That kind of boggles the mind, doesn't it? Anyway, for your viewing pleasure, here is a showcase of David Caruso doing what he does best - putting his sunglasses on, and delivering witty remarks about corpses.

I think what's cracking me up the most is that Who guy screeching YEEEEAAAAAHHHH after each wisecrack. It's better than a rimshot.



I'm pretty sure that this show is intentional comedy. I wonder if anyone's told David Caruso?

This whole Love God's Way thing is really bugging me. I've been looking into Donnie Davies, and I genuinely can't tell whether he's for real, or if he's just a sick asshole with a destructive sense of humor.

If you Google Donnie Davies, you'll find a whole bunch of speculation. It looks like there are loads of people out there who can't bring themselves to believe that this thing is real. I don't want to believe it's real. But conversely, I also don't want to believe that this is someone's idea of humor. As far as I can see, the only reason to make a joke like this is because you hate Christianity and you want to start a smear campaign.

And that's just not cool. That's worse than not cool.

For plenty of people, this is reality. Living in the Bible Belt, I personally have met many fundamentalist lunatics who firmly believe that homosexuality is evil. They believe that it can and should be "cured". And this is dangerous thinking. Not being a Christian myself, I'm not really qualified to talk about what Christianity does and does not endorse. But from what I know of Jesus, this is not the kind of thing he'd advocate. I like to think that, fundies aside, Christianity is positive and loving at heart. Be kind to each other. Be gentle. Share. Teach. Love. Don't be an asshole.

And then here comes Donnie Davies (likely not his real name) preaching hate. Does it really matter whether it's a joke or not? Some people have been calling this "satire". I think even that's a stretch. Personally, I think that hate is hate. You can't spread hate and then say "oh, it's satire," the implication being that it's your own fault if you're offended by it. I fail to see how any decent person could NOT be offended by "God Hates Fags."

I think I'm losing the plot here a bit. To summarize, Donnie Davies has really pissed me off. And I hope he's pissed you all off as well. I would like to hope that we live in a society that overwhelmingly condemns this kind of madness, but sadly I don't think that's the case.

In which V. is astounded by human stupidity.

I try to be tolerant of other peoples' beliefs, but when someone's beliefs condemn homosexuality, tolerance just kind of flies out the window. If you think being gay is a choice, or something that can be cured, or (shudder) something you need to Get Right With God, then you're a retard and you deserve to be cruelly mocked. And you know, I do like to step in and cruelly mock things.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Love God's Way. Notice how they proudly invite you to watch a music video called God Hates Fags. That's classy. Also research indicates that the man who sings "God Hates Fags" considers himself to be a "reformed homosexual". Clearly he has a lot of sick psychological issues, and he should probably deal with them before he commits a hate crime or something. Then again, if you write a song called "God Hates Fags" and sing it with 110% enthusiasm and cheer, you've already committed a hate crime.

But the thing that brought this site to my attention, and the thing that I'm bringing to yours is this:

They have thoughtfully compiled a list of Gay Bands. I'm unclear as to whether they think all of these bands are gay, or if your kids will just turn gay if they listen to this music. Because they reckon this:

One of the most dangerous ways homosexuality invades family life is through popular music. Parents should keep careful watch over their children's listening habits, especially in this Internet Age of MP3 piracy.

This is so dumb that I am losing brain cells just writing about it. Check out that list though, for a laugh. I'm not sure why they think Metallica will make you gay. Or Bjork, or DMX. Although I did have a gay friend in high school who really loved Wilson Phillips. He loved the Carpenters as well, but I don't see them on the list.

Also please notice their descriptions on some of those names. It defies reason. For example, George Michael (texan) and Ted Nugent (loincloth). It cracks me up how they're dead certain about everyone on that list except for Morrissey. Morrissey is "questionable". I'll say.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, Elton John is "really gay".

I keep looking for evidence that this is all a sick joke (especially the "God Hates Fags" song. What the fuck? That can't be for real??) but I don't think it is...

Codename Grandma has been hospitalized with pneumonia, and is undergoing a risky and serious medical procedure. Understandably, blogging is the last thing on my mind. Posting here will just not happen until at least Monday.

Also, I know I owe a couple of my friends some email. I haven't forgotten y'all.

V. is not the world's most spiritual person, but would appreciate it if y'all could keep my gran in your thoughts/prayers/meditations/voodoo rituals etc. She's a special lady, and I'd like to keep her around for a while longer.

In which Codename V and Codename Mom had a good long cry.

It's only January, and already I've seen two standout films that are among the best I've seen in years. If 2006 was a cinematic wasteland in which I had to struggle to come up with five good films, in 2007 I think I will be spoilt for choice.

Yesterday, Codename Mom and myself took a small road trip to see Pan's Labyrinth. Expectations were well exceeded. I kind of ambushed mom with this one - I just said "let's go see a film, I guarantee that you will like it" and she was game. Codename Mom (previously established in this blog as a serious film buff) likes fantasies and subtitles. Score on both points. The cinema filled up pretty quickly, which was a pleasant surprise. This is the land of NASCAR and pro wrestling; one does not expect to find many people so keen to see a foreign art film.

But I digress. This film broke my heart. It is the story of Ofelia, a young girl in love with fairy tales. She goes with her pregnant mother to live with a new stepfather in 1940s fascist Spain. New Stepdad is an army captain, and he is Evil with a capital E. I can't spoil this for you, but he does horrible things to people. Codename Mom covered her eyes a few times, and even I flinched.

Ofelia is miserable, but soon finds an escape in a fantasy world. She stumbles across the labyrinth, wherein she meets a faun who promises her a new life. She must complete three tasks, and then she will take her rightful place as princess of the fantasy realm.

The tasks are gruesome. They are scary and dangerous. I've read reviews that reckon that it's all some kind of war allegory, and it probably is. But I wasn't trying too hard to figure that out. The second task is particularly nightmarish; she encounters a pale monster with eyes in his palms. He eats children. I can say no more.

I don't want to spoil the plot, so I won't say any more. Everyone should see this film. But be prepared. Nothing good happens to anyone in this film. At all. It is a fantasy in part, but at heart it's about what war does to children. And families. It is not a Good vs Evil film wherein Evil is righteously conquered by Good, and all wrongs are summarily righted. It's a film wherein Good maybe conquers a little bit of Evil, but not without a great cost to itself. All wrongs remain pretty much wrong.

Pan's Labyrinth makes you think you've seen a happy ending when you have not. But you know, happy endings aren't always called for. As I said, this film is about what war does to children. That's not going to have a happy ending no matter how you look at it. As we were leaving the cinema, mom asked me "Do you think the fantasy was really happening to her, or was it just her way of coping with what was going on around her?" I told her what I thought, and she agreed. You will probably agree as well, but you'll have to experience it for yourself.

You will like this film if: You like powerful stories that provoke an emotional response. Also if you are a decent thinking person who can appreciate foreign art films.

You should avoid this film if: You are a moron.

This song is called "Heimdalsgate Like A Promethean Curse" and the band is apparently Of Montreal. I can't decide if it's a work of genius, or if it's complete crap. I'm leaning towards crap, but y'all can decide for y'allselves.

In which V. continues to be in a state of boredom limbo, having done almost nothing noteworthy in an entire week.

But there's hope on the horizon, y'all. It seems probable that Codename Mom and I will venture out to see Pan's Labyrinth tomorrow. I have high hopes for that film, and you can bet there will be a review.

But for now, I'm just apathetic enough to fill out another lame survey. Thanks to Lisa for this one. She emailed me several of them after the last time when I mentioned I enjoyed doing them. They're fun, in the kind of way that things are fun when you know they really suck. Like for example, watching Troma films.

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? Damn, I need a haircut.

2. How much cash do you have on you? I dunno, like twenty bucks?

3. What's a word that rhymes with "DOOR"? Spore.

4. Favorite planet? Dagobah.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? Donny Osmond.

6. What is your favorite ring on your phone? The screams of the damned.

7. What shirt are you wearing? It's grey, and it says "Converse All-Stars".

8. Do you "label" yourself? Does Dungeons and Dragons count? I was a chaotic neutral assassin.

9. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing: I pity the fool who wears shoes in their own house this late at night.

10. Bright or Dark Room? Why the hell would I care, unless I was trying to sleep or develop photographs?

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey? Aren't I the person taking this survey? Or does this mean, what do I think about the person who took it last and sent it to me? I like her. She's one of the few girls I can genuinely relate to.

12. What book are you currently reading? Anansi Boys, by Neil Gaiman.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night? Sleeping.

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? omg i kno where u live lolllz and i m goin 2 kill u!!1!1

15. Where is your nearest 7-11? I dunno. Texas?

16. What's a word that you say a lot? Awesome.

17. Who told you they loved you last? My mom.

18. Last furry thing you touched? Boogers.

19. How Many Drugs Have You Done In The Past seven Days? Tums.

20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? You know, I think these crazy newfangled digital cameras are here to stay.

21. Favorite age you have been so far? In which incarnation?

22. Your worst enemy? Donny Osmond.

23. What is your current desktop picture? Downtown Pittsburgh at night.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone? No no, Boogers. Bad kitty. Bad. Give that shoe back.

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, which would you choose? Is that a million dollars before or after taxes?

26. Do you like someone? Contrary to popular belief, I don't hate everyone.

27. The last song you listened to? "Four to the Floor" by Starsailor. The dance version. This right here.

In which V. has nothing in particular worth blogging about, but doesn't just want to be inert.

Here, kids. Listen to some awesome music until something exciting happens and I blog about it.



Also: the second season of Rome has started up on HBO. You should watch it. I can't really blog about it until M has had a chance to catch up, but anything that ends with Pullo and Verenus covered in the blood of their enemies is a winner in my book.

In which V. likes football. Real football, not that silly American game.

Beckham to quit Real and head for L.A. (Yahoo News)

This is AWESOME. And it gives me a reason to start watching American football (or, "soccer" for most of you). This is assuming they televise such things. Aside from the World Cup, I haven't been able to find televised footie that you don't actually have to pay to watch.

If you aren't familiar with Perfume by Patrick Suskind, I couldn't recommend it more. It's my favorite book. There is little I can say about it without either gushing nonstop about how great it is, or giving the plot entirely away.

I will say that most people would consider this to be a horror story, but that would depend on how you define "horror". It's definitely not a horror novel along the lines of Stephen King or Dean Koontz. It's horror like Poe was horror. Horror like Lovecraft. Which personally, I think of as being more Grotesque than Horror. "Horror" to me is a little more mainstream, while Perfume is unlike anything else.

A film adaptation has been made of this book by a director I respect. I finally had the chance to see this film on Monday.

Y'all know I only say a lot about the bad films. This was so close to perfect that I could not have been any happier. It was as true to the novel as it possibly could have been, considering that film as a storytelling medium has limitations as compared to the written word. The only change I noted was to the main character's appearance. Without giving much away, I can say that in the novel, the main character was hideously ugly. Ugly almost to the point of deformity. In the film, he was fairly nondescript. Not handsome, rather scarred, and quite dirty most of the time. But not, like, Quasimodo or anything. But I think maybe it actually works better if he's nondescript.

The only criticism I have is this: the film had a narrator, and the narrator sounded kind of like Burgess Meredith. It was a very benign, friendly, inviting kind of voice, and it really didn't fit the story. I suppose in a way, Perfume is a dark fairy tale. But it's still not the kind of thing that would be narrated in a whimsical fashion by some kindly old man.

But that's kind of a bitchy criticism, and it didn't detract at all from the experience.

Overall, you could tell a lot of time, money, and love went into this project. Things looked pretty much exactly as I had imagined them while reading. The acting was fantastic. And as I said earlier, the story itself is like no other. But, this kind of story is not for everyone. So I'd recommend it, but particularly if you find yourself drawn to the dark and sinister.

I love filling these out, even though deep down I understand that it's kind of lame. This one is courtesy of Lisa.


65 Things you didn't need to know about me.

1.) Where were you when the ball dropped for 2007?
Watching that Dick Clark show. I didn't think I'd be able to stay awake for it.

2.) How did you get the idea for your myspace name?
Um. I think my myspace name is just a big long string of numbers? I don't bother with it any more. But the name for this blog is borrowed from an iconic graphic novel - I just happen to share the initial V.

3.) Do you love anyone?
Of course I do? Everyone loves someone. If you don't love anyone at all, then you're probably a sociopath or something. I'm serious.

4.) Has the death of a celebrity ever made you cry?
I've felt really sad when some celebrities have died - Steve Irwin comes to mind, and Mr. Rogers and Jim Henson. But I don't think I've really cried over it.

5.) Have you ever been to a zoo?
Yes! And while there, I saw an elephant pee on a zookeeper. It was.. enlightening.

6.) Do you live in a zoo?
No. This question is dumb. Even if you take it figuratively, as I'm sure it's intended, it's still a really dumb question. omg lol yeah i live in a zoo everyone around me is an animal! HAR HAR HAR.

7.) What did you do this morning?
Had breakfast. Showered. It's a thrill a minute around here.

8.) Who are more complicated guys or girls?
Now it all becomes clear - this survey was written by a 14 year old.

9.) Have you ever done something malicious to someone as a revenge tactic?
Yes. Yes I have.

10.) Have you ever cheated on a partner or been the "other (wo)man"?
No. But I was cheated ON once, and rather than have to face me about it, the guy faked his own death and joined a carnival sideshow. I know I make a lot of shit up in these surveys, but this is actually 100% true.

11.) What are the last two digits of your phone number?
77. HOW IS THIS RELEVANT.

12.) What was the last concert you attended?
Oh. Dang. I guess it was Nick Cave, but that was like... six years ago.

13) Who was with you?
A friend from school.

14.) What is the last movie you watched?
Perfume. I still need to review it for this blog.

15.) What/who do you dislike at the moment?
I'm an equal opportunity misanthrope.

16.) What food do you crave right now?
Dude, I just had a giant bowl of bran. I couldn't be less hungry.

17.) Did u dream last night?
Yes, I dreamt about my grandparents' house. I dream about that a lot.

18.) What was the last TV show you watched?
Law and Order: Special Perverts Unit

19.) What is your favourite piece of jewelery?
Am I supposed to have a favorite? OMG I suck at being girly.

20.) Name someone on your Top 8 who is just like you?
My top 8 what? Someone just like me? WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN? This is some kind of psychological experiment, isn't it? Are they watching? STAY OUT OF MY HEAD!

21.) What's the last thing you ate/drank?
I think I already mentioned this. I had a big bowl of bran cereal in soy milk.

24.) Are you on any medication?
Tums.

25.) What side of the bed do you sleep on?
Smack in the middle.

26.) What color shirt are you wearing?
Army green. This will come as no shock to most people.

27) What color is your razor?
My razor is a shiv that I made in prison.

28.) What is your favorite frozen treat?
Eyeballs.

29.) How many tattoos/piercings do you have?
472. Or, none. I really want to win that car.

30.) Whats your favorite store?
I'm supposed to have a favorite? OMG I really DO suck at being a girl.

31.) Are you thirsty right now?
Yes, thirsty for blood.

32.) Can you imagine yourself ever getting married?
Yes.

33.) Who's someone you haven't seen in a while and miss?
Abraham Lincoln.

34.) What did you do last night?
I shot a man just to watch him die. And then I watched some Law and Order, and went to bed.

35.) Do you care what people think about you?
Yes, and no. It depends on the people and the situation.

36.) Have you ever done something to instigate trouble?
Me? Never. I would never dream of such a thing.

37) Do you like your nose?
I have never really given this matter any consideration.

38.) What color are your bedroom walls?
Uh. Pink.

39.) Do you like giving or getting massages more?
Uh. I'm neutral.

40.) Have you ever snooped around your parents room before?
Oh sure. They used to hide my Christmas presents under their bed.

42.) Where do you live?
Mostly inside my own depraved mind.

43.) What is your favorite city in the world?
Gotham.

44.) Who do you have a crush on?
John Constantine.

45.) Do you like the person who posted this last?
Well, Lisa emailed it to me, and I like her a lot.

46.) Do you know their Birthday?
I have it written down somewhere.

47.) What is your favorite thing to do on a Friday night?
Um. I like to watch Numbers (or, Numb3rs).

48.) Do you tend to attract the stalker-type?
I did one time. But mostly, I think I intimidate people somehow.

49.) What do you smell like right now?
Rotting corpses shampoo.

50.) What is your favorite color?
Blue.

51.) Do you like mustard?
Yes?

52.) What do you tell yourself when times get hard?
At least I don't have leprosy.

53.) Would you ever sky dive?
No. You can't be a badass if you're dead.

54.) What size bed do you sleep on?
I sleep standing up, because I'm hardcore.

55.) Do old people scare you or creep you out?
The creepy ones do.

56.) Have you ever bid for something on ebay?
Yes, and I'm still looking for that other shrunken head to complete the set.

57.) What do you think of Angelina Jolie being pregnant?
Better her than me.

58.) Do you enjoy giving hugs?
Yes, with people I know.

59.) Would you consider yourself to be fashionable?
I suppose that would depend entirely on your definition of fashionable.

60.) Do you have any idea how to say 2006 in Swahili?
Bitch, I can say 2006 in 58 languages.

61.) Do you own any shows on DVD?
Do miniseries count? I have Kingdom Hospital. It was GOOD! Seriously!

62.) Who is your favorite Friends character?
This question made my eyes bleed.

63.) Does it annoy you when someone says they'll call but never do?
No. But I bet it annoys them when they have to pick their teeth up with broken fingers.

64.) What books, if any, have made you cry?
The Lovely Bones, Watership Down.

65.) Do you ever feel guilty after eating meat?
I haven't eaten meat in over a decade...

Here are my top 2006 5’s!

I have to agree with V, I saw few films this year ‘worth their salt’. Here is my top 5 in no particular order…

The Descent
I cheated a little here, as it had a curiously delayed ‘general release’ in the US. One of the best horror films I’ve seen in years from the director of the great and inventive Dog Soldiers. Scary as hell way before the monsters even make an appearance, due to excellent photography, acting and scripting that made the already shit-scary ‘spelunking’ infinitely scarier.

Hostel
I’ve seen this on many ‘turkey’ lists, which I don’t understand at all. I’ve never seen a film that had such an extreme effects on audiences and generated so much discussion. One of the most disturbing and sadistic films I’ve ever seen in a cinema.

The Hills Have Eyes
In the current trend of ‘re-imagining’ classic horror films, this one went the way of ‘Dawn of the Dead’. While ultimately unnecessary it was damn grotesque and well made and worth a few dollars of anyone’s ‘walking around’ money..

Snakes on a Plane
I truly expected to hate this and went in to see it with that mindset, but came out loving it. It was utterly gratuitous silliness from start to finish and hugely enjoyable throughout. Give it a try, especially for a date movie – you’ll be glad you did!

Grudge 2 (the American not-really-a-remake-but-more-an-actual-re-imagining)
V. didn’t like this much, but I thought it was fair and had some pretty creepy imagery. Basically, Hollywood took everything creepy about the Grudge series and threw it at you non-stop for the duration of the film with little consideration to the plot. This resulted in plot holes but a lot of jump scenes and I swear V. jumped in her seat many times… Enough with the Grudge remakes now though. I’d not include this if the year had been so desolate…

3 WORST films – again, few films to choose from:

The Wicker Man
As a big fan of the original, I fully expected this to suck shit through a straw but it was even worse. Who the hell thought this was releasable on the general public? Utter shit, though still raises a laugh when discussed with V. "My legs"! Beekeepers!? Nic Cage punching women righteously in the face...

V for Vendetta
Not really a BAD film at all, just so disappointing compared the excellent graphic novel. Many silly and glaring plot inconsistencies and changes and a lost chance to portray how chillingly relevant this story written in the 1980s is to the present.

School for Scoundrels
Controversial, as I’ve not seen it. However, this is a modern MTV style ‘re-imagining’/rip off of my absolute favourite film ever – an extremely dated, surreal and wonderful British comedy from the 1960s. Why re-make a classic film whose major charm was the period and style in which it was made? Just use the plot and make a new film, morons, don’t tarnish the original!

Top films I WISH I’d seen but didn’t get to. If I was in V.’s town I’d be more inclined to go to the cinema alone, as they seem to have huge empty multiplexes. However, in Lowestoft there’s only one real (fleapit) cinema, the equivalent of her $2 show emporiums and every chav in town goes to every showing. So despite the “Hollywood” Cinema being about 50 feet from my home, all my cinema going this year was with V. This is by far the easiest and most extensive list!

Borat (etc.)
Sounds like the most awesome comedy film ever, can’t wait to get it on DVD in March. Also look forward to the Bruno film!

The Prestige
Sounds fantastic and I’d love to see it. Got more critically good reviews than audience figures and most people whose opinion I value say it’s great.

The Notorious Bettie Page
Bettie Page is/was a hottie – this doesn’t annoy V. as she’s far more of a hottie while looking a little like BP herself. I have ONE fridge magnet, which is Bettie Page that V. allows me to keep! :P I KEEP meaning to see this, I was gonna watch it with V. but she was put off by the black and white….

Perfume
Cheating again here as this is not out yet in the US but was shown here in the Xmas break. If V were here we’d definitely have gone to see it as it’s her favourite book and I thought it was brilliant and have to see what they’ve done with it.

Apocalypto
Despite Mel Gibson being a demented racist with a penchant for re-imagining history he makes great films and I’d really like to see this. It’s not actually out here yet so I’m cheating again..

Crank
OK, so Jason Statham (that bloke from Lock Stock, Snatch and Transporter) has been poisoned with something that makes him have to experience constant extreme adrenalin to survive (or something). Rather than go to hospital and get adrenaline shots he proceeds to kick ass while getting his adrenaline flowing. This sounds like a winning plot to me!

Because this is the time of year for making resolutions. Also, everyone needs goals.

1. Assemble a private militia with the purpose of curing society's ills. Reason: society has a lot of ills.

2. Obtain a tank, armored personnel carrier, or batmobile for use in assembling private militia. Reason: a Ford Focus does not exactly inspire authority.

3. Recruit David Hasselhoff for private militia. Reasons: You can't hassle the Hoff. Also, he singlehandedly brought down the Berlin Wall using only THE POWER OF MUSIC, as evidenced below:



4. Issue blinking jackets and keyboard-patterned cravats as uniform for private militia. Reason: if it's good enough for the Hoff...

5. Get tattoo on lower back that says "I'M GONNA KILL YOU KIRK CAMERON" Reason: do I need one?

Go to this website to see some truly appalling tattoos. Highlights: a bald guy with bacon and eggs tattooed on the top of his head. Also, someone got a tattoo of Clay Aiken's face. I'd like to know where some of these people are in 20 years, as I think it would be a delightful experiment in social Darwinism.

And then there's this. Possibly the most inexplicable thing I have ever seen.

Well, this was certainly disappointing.

I guess my first clue should have been that it's based on a crime novel by James Ellroy, rather than being based on actual events. I was expecting The Black Dahlia to be about... well, the Black Dahlia. Instead, it was some crap about these two police detectives and their love triangle with a dodgy lady, and one of them was a dirty cop and that caused problems for everyone.

And meanwhile in the background, oh by the way here's a dead girl sawed in half.

Which is the more interesting plot angle? You'd think they'd make it the focus of the film, right? But no, we get the cheesy neo-noir antics of the two detectives. Maybe the last 20% of the film is dedicated to the Black Dahlia case, but they completely fictionalize it and turn it into some melodramatic spectacle.

I have a problem with this, like, ethically. I mean... okay. This is an actual real unsolved murder. A particularly horrific unsolved murder. This was someone's daughter. She died violently and was dismembered and disfigured. It seems very inappropriate to me to take her life and turn it into a crappy soap opera. The film's final explanation of the crime was ridiculous. It was laughable.

It's one thing to have something like, say, From Hell, which was heavily researched and based on real police theories. The Jack the Ripper murders are still unsolved, but there are plenty of solid, respectable theories out there about who this guy might have been. But to take an unsolved murder and completely fabricate some lurid motive... I dunno. It just seems cheap to me, and wrong.

And it's not as if this isn't a lurid enough case. It's widely held that the Black Dahlia was a hermaphrodite (or at the very least had some kind of small vestigal penis or something) and this was omitted from the film. How do you make a film about the Black Dahlia and leave out the hermaphrodite thing? Many people believe this is why she was killed. Take the facts and run with them, don't make up some bullshit about some jealous rich lady who looked uncannily like Baby Jane. The truth is more interesting!

But as I said, this film was only peripherally about the Black Dahlia. The murder was just sort of a weak framing narrative. Overall it was just a boring cop movie that wanted to be Hitchcockian and was just... well... DePalma.

The acting sucked as well. Even actors who are normally great, like Scarlett Johanssen, were just big blocks of wood. The whole thing felt forced and stiff, like they all realized it was a crap film and were just going through the motions. Hillary Swank and her ginormous horse teeth get quite a bit of screen time. Why does she have two Oscars? Okay, so she has one Oscar for looking convincingly like a boy. But why does she have the other one? I know it isn't down to her acting ability...

But now I'm just being mean to Hillary Swank, and even though it feels really good I'm getting off topic.

Would I recommend this? No. I sat through it, but mostly because I had nail polish to keep me busy. It's probably not worth your time.