Because this is the time of year for making resolutions. Also, everyone needs goals.

1. Assemble a private militia with the purpose of curing society's ills. Reason: society has a lot of ills.

2. Obtain a tank, armored personnel carrier, or batmobile for use in assembling private militia. Reason: a Ford Focus does not exactly inspire authority.

3. Recruit David Hasselhoff for private militia. Reasons: You can't hassle the Hoff. Also, he singlehandedly brought down the Berlin Wall using only THE POWER OF MUSIC, as evidenced below:



4. Issue blinking jackets and keyboard-patterned cravats as uniform for private militia. Reason: if it's good enough for the Hoff...

5. Get tattoo on lower back that says "I'M GONNA KILL YOU KIRK CAMERON" Reason: do I need one?