Friday, June 27, 2008
Book Thingy
In which I quickly do this at the request of L, before I go on vacation.

So the directions are, grab the book nearest you, turn to page 123, and write out the fifth sentence. This should be interesting, as the book nearest me happens to be Billy Bunter - Sportsman!...

"The ratherfulness is terrific!"

Alrighty then. As you were.

Holy crap - bonus note for M: According to Wikipedia, Billy Bunter is a minor character in the third volume of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, which I have not yet read. Further proof that Alan Moore is completely insane.
Monday, June 09, 2008
Your local weather...
It hit 102 today, for like the third day in a row. I think it's time to bust out the vintage Billy Idol.

Vintage Billy Idol was crazy delicious. How come all the 80s heart-throbs turned out to be batshit insane?
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Input is prohibited!
In which V. has been meaning to blog this for a while now.

So a couple of months ago, I stumbled across this blog called Woman's Passions. I can't remember how I found it any more, no doubt I was looking for something fashion or makeup related (I am a girl, after all). It's a spectacular blog. Just spectacular. I'm still trying to figure it out.

The author is part of a foreign culture, that much is clear. I have yet to determine which culture, or who her target audience seems to be. It's safe to say that English is not her first language. I'm not actually convinced she knows English at all. Her writing style suggests someone who knows the basic concepts of English grammar and sentence structure, and who is also armed with a 100 year old thesaurus.

Either that, or she writes in her native language and runs everything through a translator program. You will soon see what I'm talking about.

I've got plans to keep y'all updated on the highlights of Woman's Passions, but for right now let's talk about her most recent post: 15 ways to tell a man you are not interested in him. As E. points out, some of these would actually be pretty clever if they weren't incoherent. You'll have to click on that link for the full glory of it all, but here are a couple of highlights:

1. He: Haven’t we met before?
She: Probably, I work at venereal disease dispensary’s registry.

See? That's kind of clever. Awkwardly worded, but clever. The next time some skeezy person hits on you, just tell them you work at the herpes clinic. Good strategy.

6. He: I’d like to call you. What’s your number?
She: It’s in the telephone book.
He: But I even do not know your name!
She: It is also in the directory.

See, this is where she starts to go downhill. This makes sense on an abstract level - yes, my name and number are in the phone book, which is full of thousands of names and numbers, and you will never figure out which one is me. Realistically, I don't think you could tell a guy "yeah dude, my name is also in the phone book" and have him say "oh no! I have been cock blocked!" No.

8. He: What’s your sign?
She: Input is prohibited.

Does anyone actually still use this as a pick-up line? Never mind the strangely-worded answer...

10. He: Well, here you are! Do not hide, you are in this club for the same reason, as I…
She: Really? Hooking?

I'm not even gonna touch this one. It snarks on itself

11. He: I’m here to embody your most courageous imaginations!
She: You want to tell you have a goat and a German shepherd?

What the?

So yeah. Woman's Passions. Read it, love it, live it.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Fun with instant messaging
In which V. encounters The Man Himself in Yahoo Religion Chat. Visual aids presented for your enjoyment.

Before we begin, note that I've removed my Yahoo screen name from the following transcript and replaced it with "me". I've left my victim's name intact. Enjoy.

williamcosby02: Hello.

Me: Hello.

williamcosby02: how are you?

Me: I'm okay.

williamcosby02: gr8
williamcosby02: i am william cosby by name
williamcosby02: n u?

Me: Seriously?
Me: You're Bill Cosby?
Me: That's awesome.

williamcosby02: how do you mean?

Me: Never mind.

williamcosby02: so may i know your name pls?
williamcosby02: and your asl?

Me: Oh, just call me (screen name).

williamcosby02: if you dont mind

Me: So what's your favorite kind of pudding?

williamcosby02: i am from the uk
williamcosby02: are you married?

Me: No, I'm not.
Me: About the pudding, though.
Me: Do you get it for free? Or at a discount?
Me: Or do you even like pudding at all?

williamcosby02: no i dont
williamcosby02: are you married (screen name)?

Me: I already told you, no I'm not.

williamcosby02: k
williamcosby02: can you see any pic on display?

Me: What, you mean like Picture Pages?

williamcosby02: yeah
williamcosby02: aren't you seein any photo?

Me: I used to watch Picture Pages all the time when I was a kid.
Me: You had that pen that played music.

williamcosby02: yeah i did

Me: I can't believe you don't like pudding, though.
Me: It's like, my whole world view is shattered.

williamcosby02: sorry i must tell you the truth
williamcosby02: but i donno wat cha mean by pudding?

Me: You aren't Bill Cosby, are you.

williamcosby02: is it a game?
williamcosby02: or wat?
williamcosby02: not at all

Me: Maybe you ARE Bill Cosby but you have amnesia.

williamcosby02: i am william cosby

Me: Or you've blocked out the memories of all those years of selling pudding.
Me: Like a bad dream. It never happened.
Me: Not to YOU.

williamcosby02: ok

Me: So what was it like being on television?

williamcosby02: it all dipend?
williamcosby02: though its fun anyway

Me: You wore all those sweaters. Back in the day.
Me: Or have you blocked that out too?

williamcosby02: sure i did
williamcosby02: n still do
williamcosby02: stuffs like turtle neck no so on

Me: Brilliant.
Me: Hey, weren't you in a movie?
Me: Leonard Part 6? Was that it?

williamcosby02: oh!
williamcosby02: not at allllllll

Me: Yeah, I don't blame you. I'd deny it too.

williamcosby02: i have never fitured in a movie

Me: That movie was awful.
Me: No worries, mate. I'll play along.
Me: I understand now. You call yourself William to make it easier to pretend these things never happened.
Me: Bill Cosby is dead to you now.

williamcosby02: but thats my name

Me: I know, you have some inner conflict.
Me: You are Bill Cosby, and yet you hate Bill Cosby.
Me: That's got to be tough.

williamcosby02: you so funny
williamcosby02: wat do you do?

Me: Me? Oh, I'm insignificant compared to the likes of you.

williamcosby02: really?

Me: Now now, don't be so modest, Bill.

williamcosby02: you still call me bill?
williamcosby02: am will

Me: Oh! I'm so sorry.

williamcosby02: n not bill
williamcosby02: ok?

Me: You're right. Bill is dead to us both. I respect your pain.
Me: William Cosby it is.

williamcosby02: yeah

Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Separated at birth?!
In which I just call it like I see it, yo.

First, observe the legendary Tom Waits.

Now, have a gander at 14th President of the United States, Franklin Pierce.

I'm just sayin'.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Southland Tales
In which V. is impressed by an exceptional film, but suspects that few others will enjoy it.

Holy crap, y'all. I don't know where to start. As much as I'd love to rave on and on about how amazing this movie was, I think you're all just going to have to watch it for yourselves. Here's the rundown:

Southland Tales was written and directed by Richard Kelly, the fellow who wrote and directed another phenomenal film you may have heard of called Donnie Darko. They're similar in the sense that they're both very nihilistic, but they're very different stories.

Also: Southland Tales is approaching three hours long. I had to watch it over two days, but this is only because I didn't have a solid three hour block of time to devote to it. I usually don't have a lot of patience for films once they break the two hour barrier, but this was such a compelling story that it could have been twice as long and I'd still have been hooked.

I would like to summarize the basic plot, but there is nothing basic about it. Umm... in 2005, Texas is the target of a nuclear attack. As a result, WW3 starts. Americans have very few civil liberties (think of the Patriot Act multiplied by 1000). A mysterious scientist and his bizarre family present an alternative fuel source that harnesses the perpetual motion of the sea and transmits energy telepathically to machines. A film star loses his memory, writes a screenplay, and becomes involved in a plot spearheaded by neo-marxists and a porn actress. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

When I started watching this film, I thought maybe it was going to be hard to follow, but it wasn't that way at all. The plot flows naturally and incorporates two dozen or so characters without losing its way. There is mystery, comedy, and action. Production values are through the roof - Southland Tales is visually stunning. Lots of good music as well, but that's no surprise if you've seen Donnie Darko.

I don't really know what else I can say about it. It pretty much defies description or explanation. But something about it really resonated with me, and I absolutely loved it. Ten out of ten stars. Two enthusiastic thumbs up. That said, I don't think it's accessible enough for the average viewer. This is three hours' worth of complicated sci-fi mystery. You have to be able to fully let go of your expectations and just roll with the story.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should point out that I am a rabid (and I do mean rabid fan of an obscure film called Until the End of the World. I have tried to make pretty much everyone I know watch Until the End of the World, with little success. Most people hate it, except for me. It also approaches three hours long (there is also a 3 1/2 hour version, as well as a five hour version, both of which I have seen and know better than try to present to anyone else). My point being, Until the End of the World and Southland Tales are very similar. So it's possible that I'm just inclined to like This Type Of Story.

Anyway. I feel like I failed miserably at this review, as this film was a particularly difficult one to write about. I hope some of you are inspired to give it a try.
Friday, May 09, 2008
Have a great weekend
I've seen a couple of terrific films this week and hopefully will find the time to review them soon. Meanwhile, here's this.