Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Not Hallmark Material
In which V attends the most bizarre job interview of all time.

So I applied for a job with Hallmark Cards. The application was one of those weird things that has more psych-evalutaion type questions than questions about your actual work history or skills or experience. I wasn't allowed to take the application home and send it in later. No. I had to fill it out on the spot. If I'd taken it home, I wouldn't have even bothered with it. I'd have said "these people are on crack" and tossed it in the bin.

But no. I was locked into this course of action which involved having to answer some questions that I'm pretty sure it's illegal to ask. Stuff like "do you get along with your parents?" and "how does your faith affect you in the workplace?" and "how did you pay for college?"

I left most of them blank... I didn't figure it was any of their business, and most of my answers would have been finely crafted lies anyway. I did manage to resist the urge to say I paid for college by pole dancing.

So then I was asked back for an interview on the spot. The lady didn't even look over my application, just said "come back tomorrow at one" and I was all "um, k."

So I go back in, and by this time I'm really kind of wary because subconsciously I'm already thinking "screw this noise." And it went like this:

Freak: I see you left a lot of these answers blank.
Me: Yes, I didn't really feel comfortable with some of those questions.
Freak: Hm. You left your high school G.P.A. blank.
Me: I don't remember it. That was almost 15 years ago.
Freak: If you can't remember that, how can you remember the everyday things?
Me: What? Um. Well, I'm sure it was pretty average...
Freak: We don't want average people at Hallmark Cards.
Me: What?
Freak: I don't think you're Hallmark Material.
(at this point, I may have said "I don't think so either" but I can't remember.)

WTF? I mean, seriously - WTF? In retrospect, I wish I'd told her that Hallmark Cards was about as average as it gets. Crazy. Anyway, I'm taking the viewpoint that "Not Hallmark Material" is a positive thing. I mean, okay...

People Who Are Probably Hallmark Material
Thomas Kincade, Painter of Lightâ„¢
Celine Dion
The entire cast of Touched by an Angel
Angela Lansbury
Mel Gibson

People Who Are Almost Definitely Not Hallmark Material

Rob Zombie
Batman (actually probably the rest of the JLA except for Superman)
The Predator

Which list would you rather be on? Life is too short for mediocrity.