Thursday, December 21, 2006
It's capsule review time!
In which V has seen, like, half a dozen films this week.

1. Apocalypto
Mel Gibson is batshit crazy, and a racist, and prone to revising history. I would not like to meet the guy, or shake hands with him, or have a conversation about politics or the state of society. BUT. He makes damn good movies. Braveheart was really awesome, revisionist history aside.

Apocalypto did not disappoint. I like Mayans. I like adventure. I like peril. I like subtitles. And I like ultraviolence. Apocalypto had all of this and more. It was long (like, two and a half hours) but it was fast paced and didn't feel like a long movie. The only problem I had at all, was this one scene wherein people are attacked by a jaguar, and it's a hand puppet. Like, an obvious hand puppet with little googly jaguar eyes, grabbing people by the arm and going GRRR! GRRR!

That was pretty inexplicable, considering that the other special effects were gorgeous and the film obviously had a massive budget. Loads of attention to detail, except for the crap hand puppet.

I give it four out of five stars. Go see it.

2. Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
Do you like horror movies? Did you like the previous remake/sequel in the Texas Chainsaw series? If yes to either, you will probably like this. I know I sure did.

There is not much else to say. People die. Horribly. I give it two enthusiastic thumbs up and four out of five stars (on the horror film scale, you can't really rate horror films on the same scale as, like, Citizen Kane). Go see it.

3. Turistas
Do you like horror movies? Did you like Hostel? If yes to either, you will probably like this. It was fun, if predictable.

In Hostel, asshole tourists get slaughtered for fun by rich foreign men who simply love sadism. In Turistas, asshole tourists get slaughtered for their organs by rich foreign men who want to help Brazilian orphans. In either case, most of the people getting slaughtered aren't very likeable, so it's fairly satisfying to watch them die. Horribly.

I give it three out of five stars (four, if it hadn't been a Hostel clone). Go see it.

4. The Fountain
This was the worst film I have ever seen in my entire life. Seriously. People on the IMDB seem to think that if you don't like this film, it's because you're stupid and you don't "get" it because it's so deeply and profoundly symbolic.

Um, no. It's not profoundly ANYTHING. It's 90 minutes of meandering, self-indulgent crap. Hugh Jackman does tai-chi in his jammies. He hugs a tree. He floats around in a big soap bubble. This is not avant-garde. This is stupid.

I give it negative one out of five stars. Avoid.

5. Flushed Away
Funny. Very very funny. On a par with Wallace & Grommit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit. If you like Wallace & Grommit, you will like this. I laughed through the whole thing, especially at the slugs.

Four out of five stars. Go see it.

6. Eragon

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. This is based on a book written by a fifteen year old kid who played a lot of Dungeons and Dragons and IT SHOWS. It's derivative of EVERYTHING.

I don't know where to start. Go here and check out his characters' names. Ajihad? A-JIHAD?? Galbratorix?? I like how he throws in "Angela" like it's normal.

I haven't read the book (imagine that) so I didn't realize that his crappy dragon could talk. TALK. So I'm sitting there and all of a sudden his crappy dragon starts TALKING in this prissy little bitch voice. Oh Eragon, I will never abandon you!

A talking dragon, people. I am at a loss.

Oh, and he could use magic on account of he had a bond with his talking dragon. Yeah, I know... Eragon was full of arbitrary shit like that, things that seemed to exist only to push the plot forward. But magic, yeah... he could use magic, but first he had to learn the Elvish words for things. His mentor taught him the words for "tree" and "branch". Apparently the Elvish word for "see what my crappy dragon sees" is Souvlaki-Flan. I am not kidding. I wish I was.

I give this two out of five stars, because while it was a shitty fantasy movie, as unintentional comedy it was quite entertaining. Go see it, but with the frame of mind that it's a parody of fantasy films.