Monday, November 27, 2006
Stick It
In which V is appalled, but still manages to play the Against All Odds card.

When I was in high school, the kids who took band had this weird delusional view of themselves. They all thought they were rock stars, that they were so fucking cool as ice because they took band. And on occasions when they were able to don their hideous little polysester marching band uniforms and play at, like, the pep rallies that we all hated going to, they thought they were GODS. Whereas everyone who wasn't in band was able to see that they were all socially retarded freaks who were completely unable to interact in any kind of normal way with anyone outside band. And, I mean, I kind of get the impression that it's like this at everyone's high school. No offense to anyone here who was in band. I'm sure you didn't eat your own boogers, but no doubt you knew someone who did...

I bring this up because I get the clear impression that Stick It is the product of a person or persons who are or were involved in The World Of Gymnastics and find it to be the most riveting thing ever.

Here is a clue: it is not. If anything, gymnastics geeks are even more hopeless than band geeks.

Here is a brief plot summary. Haley used to be a competitive gymnast, but for mysterious reasons walked out on some Important Contest a couple of years ago, and now everyone in The World Of Gymnastics hates her for it. She has become an EXTREME BMX BIKER. One day, while doing some EXTREME BMX tricks, she causes a substantial amount of property damage and gets arrested. Somehow her punishment is that she has to go to gymnastics school. Um. Okay.

Her coach is Jeff Bridges. Jeff Bridges really kicked ass in 1984. Hello? He was Starman. And then there's this.

This is classic. CLASSIC, people. This is a vaulable part of American culture. It is not cheesy AT ALL. NOT AT ALL. NO CHEESE.

But I digress. So yeah. Jeff Bridges. Coach. And all the other girls at gymnastics school hate her. This is where I should mention that 98% of the script of Stick It is composed of playground-quality insults. Like, third grade level. Maybe not even that sophisticated. Here is a list of example insults that I jotted down while watching this film (and applying toenail polish, because let's face it, Stick It does not require one's complete attention)...

Pariah Carey

What the hell do these things even mean? I get "Pariah Carey", but the others have me baffled. This is not counting the several dozen similar insults I couldn't be bothered to write down because I was busy with that toenail polish. Oh, and also someone says the line "I'm so sure, I'm practically deodorant."

So we've established that the writer of this film is probably a twelve year old girl. I'm guessing this is also the target audience.

Not a whole lot actually happens. You sit through loads and loads and loads of gymnastics performances, some of which are marginally impressive. Haley and the mean girls learn all of the obligatory lessons about getting along, and not judging people, etc etc, and at the end everyone is friends with everyone else.

There are a few casual references to how horrible stage moms can be, and lots of references to the Grueling World Of Gymnastics that only people with an obsessive level of interest in gymnastics will understand.

About 3/4 of the way through the film, a bizarre sub-plot develops wherein the girls decide to rebel against the conservative and unfeeling judges and their Unfair Scoring Practices. Since I'm into watching televised gymnastics about as much as I'm into doing complex calculus for fun, I had no idea what was going on here. I gathered that the girls were being subversive and somehow Fighting The System. But I really kind of just didn't care.

You might enjoy this film if:
... you dot your i's with little hearts
... you are literally (really, literally) dying of boredom
... you have called someone a Foxymoron within the past week

You might not enjoy this film if:
... none of the above apply to you
... you still want to be able to respect Jeff Bridges