Thursday, November 30, 2006
Shark Attack 3: Megalodon
In which V reviews a requested film.

When I first got the request for Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, I had a couple of concerns. First, would I be able to get this at the video store? Yes, easily. Secondly, would I be at a disadvantage, not having seen Shark Attack 1 or 2? I'm going to go with no on that one.

The first thing I noticed about this film was that the acting and special effects were really bad. Yeah, okay, that should be a given. But I don't think I have ever seen acting or special effects THIS bad. Not ever. And that's saying a lot.

To my complete astonishment, the lead actor in this film was John Barrowman who played Captain Jack Harkness in the new Dr. Who. Also, he was a judge on that Andrew Lloyd Weber reality show, the one where they picked some random waitress girl to play Maria in The Sound Of Music. I watched it for a few weeks and this Barrowman guy would be very harshly critical to those girls for no real reason. And now I find myself thinking, dude, you were in Shark Attack 3. STFU. It's not like he's Quality or anything. This guy telling someone they can't act is like Richard Simmons telling someone they have bad hair.

Anyway, let's jump on in to the plot summary. I'll go into rich detail on this one, because trust me, you don't want to see this film.

It opens with some people on a deep sea research vessel. Their boss is a guy who has a cigar stuck in his mouth at all times, even when speaking. His voice sounds as though it has been badly dubbed in by Robert Loggia. Some divers are working on an underwater cable when OMG here comes Megalodon. I learned a valuable scientific lesson whilst watching this film: sharks make the same exact noises that whales make! Who knew? Anyway, Megalodon attacks the divers. The whole shark attack is just a big jumbled montage of various parts of the shark - teeth, fin, tail, teeth, eye, tail. You see random blood in the water and the occasional bubble of air from the dead diver guy.

Cut to Six Months Later. The setting: the world's tackiest Mexican resort. You see a barmaid flirting with a man, and you get the impression she's supposed to be young and beautiful and seductive, but she looks about 48 years old and is just kind of skanky. This is a recurring theme in Shark Attack 3 - skanky middle-aged women who are supposed to be hot.

You see lots of people in bikinis frolicking on a beach, and then there's a fishing boat. A 300 year old man is fishing. He catches a huge marlin and tries to reel it in while two skanky people have sex on his boat right in front of him. There's lots of stock footage of a marlin here. Like, obvious stock footage. Just as he's about to reel it in, Megalodon shows up and eats the marlin, and all the old guy gets is the marlin's head. He's really pissed off about it.

Meanwhile, Captain Jack goes diving for lobsters near a site where an underwater fiberoptic cable has been laid. He finds a big shark tooth stuck in the cable. He takes it home and decides to try to identify it on the internet. What follows is one of those hilarious scenes where the internet in films is nothing at all like the real internet. Captain Jack's computer screen says, in giant 80-point font, SEARCH FOR MORE INFORMATION ON: "Shark Teeth." He can't find the tooth online, so he takes a photo of it with his digital camera, and instantly (like, .000001 seconds) the photo appears on his monitor. He posts it to a message board about Mystery Sharks.

Meanwhile, in San Diego, a pretty (read: wrinkled and kind of skanky) lady in a museum sees his message and says OMG.

Back in Mexico, a seedy businessman is talking about the wonders of his underwater fiberoptic cable while he fondles a middle-aged skank under the table.

Somewhere else on the resort, a different middle-aged skank decides to go skinny dipping with her boyfriend. They start having sex in the ocean. Here comes Megalodon. Megalodon doesn't attack the people, but he attacks a harmless Tiger Shark near where they are having sex, and it freaks them the hell out. Once again, the shark attack scene is a montage of various shark parts and blood, with whale sounds all the while.

The Museum Lady shows up looking for Captain Jack. She says she's a marine biologist and that the tooth came from a really awesome rare shark, and she's going to stick around and look for it. Captain Jack obviously thinks she's hot, despite the fact that she has the worst crows feet that I've ever seen. She is kind of shifty and seems to be up to something, but he doesn't notice.

Later that night, a rowdy Mexican punk-rock couple break into a waterslide park. They start having sex on the water slide. Megalodon is waiting for them at the bottom (!) and eats them both (obligatory lame montage). I begin to suspect that Megalodon can smell sexual activity from miles away.

The next day, the marine biologist (who is seriously fugly and according to the IMDb has been in some soft-core porn) goes out on a boat with a couple of sleazy male assistants who constantly sexually harass her, but you're supposed to like all three characters anyway. Megalodon starts ramming the boat, despite the fact that nobody in the immediate vicinity is having sex. Maybe those guys' sleazy comments were enough to attract his attention. A really, really fake looking shark's head (remember in elementary school when you used to wrap wet newspaper around balloons in art class? THAT fake) tries to take a bite out of the boat and leaves another tooth behind. They manage to tag the shark with some kind of tracking device.

Back on the beach, some a-hole is playing frisbee with an awesome dog. He throws the frisbee into the ocean, but the dog is too smart to go after it. The a-hole calls his dog stupid and goes in after the frisbee. Megalodon eats the man (montage) in what I can only assume is an acceptable act of vengeance because the guy insulted that dog.

Captain Jack decides that enough is enough and they should kill this shark before more innocent lives are lost. He goes to talk to the marine biologist and finds out that she's actually a paleontologist and that this shark is supposed to be extinct. She refuses to kill it because it's, like, a living fossil and stuff, and also she's a stupid bitch. They decide to team up to find it and she can study it and he can kill it at the first sign of danger.

They go out on a boat looking for it. OMG it's headed right for the resort! They intervene. Crisis averted! But then OMG it's headed right for a trio of drunken parasailors! One gets eaten! They save one! The third one gets eaten! Crisis 1/3 averted! Somehow they figure out that the shark is attracted to the underwater cable. They need "all the help they can get," so they go to church to light candles and pray.

Meanwhile, some random crusty old seaman discovers that the sleazy businessman knew all along that his underwater cables were leaking electromagnetic energy that attracted sharks, but he covered the whole thing up.

Back on the shark hunt, Captain Jack, the fugly woman, and her two gross friends are being rammed by Megalodon. Megalodon rams the boat so hard all the bolts come out and it starts to flood. Megalodon breaks through the boat's hull and starts making whale noises at the fugly lady. Captain Jack clubs it repeatedly with a block of wood to no avail. Fugly woman shoots it in the head with a rifle and kills it. She cries a lot and they climb on top of their now-capsized boat to wait for help.

A boat is on its way to their rescue, but suddenly it gets SWALLOWED WHOLE by an EVEN BIGGER MEGALODON. Then, the two gross friends get eaten! Captain Jack fires a flare gun and manages to get himself and Fugly saved by a random passing helicopter.

They need help fighting Uber Megalodon. Nobody will help. Not the Navy! Not the police! The Coast Guard can maybe help but not until next week! They will have to go after it themselves. Enter random crusty seaman, who just happens to have a torpedo they can use to blow the shark up. They make elaborate plans to kill the shark tomorrow. Then, out of nowhere, Captain Jack says to Fugly, "shall I take you home and eat your pussy?" EEEW. They have sex, and it's gross. She has oily boobs.

The next day! Sleazy businessman is having a yacht party to celebrate his underwater cables. He doesn't care about the giant deadly shark! You can't curtail his freedom! Uber Megalodon shows up and starts ramming the yacht. Rich people start jumping overboard and a lot of them get eaten. Uber Megalodon doesn't eat people via crappy montage. He just opens his mouth and people fly inside. It's quite an interesting effect, really, almost as if he has a giant Dyson in his gut. Sleazy businessman starts throwing grenades (!) at the shark, but then he gets eaten too.

Meanwhile Captain Jack, Fugly, and Crusty Seaman put their Elaborate Plan into action. I was totally unable to follow the particulars of this plan, but it involved a submarine, lots of explosives, several transmitters, a helicopter, a crossbow, and a torpedo. Somehow they manage to blow up Uber Megalodon, and all three of them survive unharmed. They gather on a liferaft with some yacht-party refugees and celebrate their success.

BUT OMG. Looming beneath the waves is yet another Megalodon! THIS WILL NEVER BE OVER.