In which V is convinced that the whole world has gone mad.

So, the world cup starts in a couple of days, right? So the FIFA people want to promote the hell out of soccer, and to do this they need an official song. This idea seems sane enough, right? Well. Check out this news item:

The most popular recording this year may not be a song, but rather a five-note melody called "Bamboo."

The simple chant of the word, composed by the relatively unknown Nadir Khayat and Bilal Hajji, will almost certainly be heard by an accumulated audience of as many as 30 billion TV viewers in the space of about a month.

What the hell?

Okay, just for starters, soccer fans aren't generally known for their heartfelt appreciation for the avant-garde. Soccer fans are generally known for two things: riots, and vandalism. Not exactly the sort of crowd to embrace experimental music. In fact, I would theorize that making them listen to, say, Philip Glass would just make them riot more.

Secondly: how the hell do you get a five note melody out of the word 'bamboo'? Bamboo only has two syllables. Are they going to stretch it out to something lame like Baa-aaa-aaa-aaaam-booo?

Thirdly: when I think "five note melody", I immediately think of the alien tune from Close Encounters.

Fourthly: picture, if you will, thousands of sub-literate soccer fanatics chanting BAA-AAA-AAA-AAAAM-BOO to the Close Encounters tune. Unsettling fear slowly begins to creep in.

Fifthly: it takes TWO PEOPLE to compose a five note melody around the world 'bamboo'?!

You can read the whole article about the Bamboo Song here (yahoo news). Perhaps even more frightening, FIFA have remixed the Bamboo tune into a Shakira song. OMG THESE ARE THE END TIMES.

This is the world cup, y'all. Soccer. Not the Olympics, where they decide stuff like the world is best represented by a mascot that is half starfish and half banana, or they have endless opening ceremonies that involve bizarre interpretive dance and people on stilts. I don't think I've ever seen anything on television that makes me feel as frigging alienated as the Olympic opening ceremonies.

But yeah. Bamboo. Five notes, two syllables. I'm thinking that a week from now, it's going to be everywhere...