Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the doll that started it all: William.

I found William advertised in a coupon magazine that occasionally comes in the mail. I recoiled in horror at the sight of his full-page ad and knew immediately that I had to share this madness with the world. Little did I know then that Paradise Galleries was such a cornucopia of hideous malformed toys.

Here is what the coupon magazine has to say about William:

Doesn't he look just like a real baby? Go ahead and pick him up. Fully as large as a newborn and artfully jointed to sleep blissfully or snuggle in your arms, "William" captures forever that magical day your own little boy came into the world.

Some observations:
1. No, no he doesn't look just like a real baby. Once again I have to wonder what these doll artists (and I use the term 'artist' loosely here) are using as models. If you've had a real baby, and it looks like "William", I am very sorry. I hope you get that whole dominant ugly gene thing sorted out. Or maybe your spouse is a primate. Either way, I'd say you have a problem.

2. I like how the implication here is that "William" is superior to your own children. Junior will grow up and steal your car and get busted for crack possession, but "William" will always sleep his blissful monkey sleep. "William" will never bring shame to the family.

Here is a true story: I actually had a dream about "William" last night. I was walking along an empty, unfamiliar street when I came across this girl I know who lives down the street from me. She was staggering along like a zombie, and clutching a "William" doll in one hand. I believe her "William" doll was naked, which disturbs me. "Hey!" I said, "Is that a "William" doll?"

She looked at me with these creepy dead eyes and said "Yes. I love "William". He reminds me of the day my own little boy came into the world."

"But wait," I said. "You don't HAVE a little boy."

"I do now," she said. "I have "William"."

And then I woke up. The whole thing was really very chilling.