I've been sitting here for ages trying to think of words that will do this justice. Trying to be witty and clever. Trying to put into words the complex thoughts and emotions that I am experiencing. But honestly, there are no words. Dude, just... no words. I can only tell it like it is, and leave the rest up to you, Dear Reader.

Sharper Image is selling a Robot Monkey Head that responds intelligently to its environment.

The Robot Monkey Head will watch you, ever watching. Its creepy dead robot eyes will follow you around the room, and if you piss it off, it will scream that horrible monkey scream. If it had monkey arms, I'm sure it would beat on things. But thank god for small mercies, IT HAS NO ARMS.

Robot Monkey Head has four "moods" - Curious, Happy, Fearful, and Feisty. Interesting, "fearful". This implies that you can scare your monkey head. One suspects that simply holding up a mirror so that it can gaze upon its own horrific self would do the trick. Seriously, I'm kind of creeped out by the whole concept of a disembodied screaming monkey head.

As if it weren't bizarre enough already, Robot Monkey Head comes with a remote control. AND you can set it to some kind of "watchdog" mode. This is perfect if you have cats, or small curious children. Is little Susie sneaking cookies when you aren't looking? Put Robot Monkey Head inside the cookie jar, set its mood to 'Feisty' and let nature take its course. I would actually PAY MONEY to see someone do this.

I'm not entirely sure why I find this so disturbing. I mean, in the Global Hierarchy of Awesomeness, robots and monkeys score pretty high, right along with ninjas, pirates, and vikings. Any combination of these is usually a solid guarantee that things are going to rock, and rock hard. I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that it's just a monkey head that bothers me. It's not a whole monkey, its monkeyness is incomplete.

But no, y'all have to see it for yourselves. Click on that link I gave you, and be sure to watch the video...