Thursday, June 23, 2005
Everything Sucks!!!
In which V. expresses disgust at the poor quality of today's entertainment options. Except for Magical Trevor, which continues to amuse and delight.

Okay, so it's possibly not accurate to say that everything sucked today. This morning's double header of Dawson's Creek was enjoyable. But everything else today has been sub par.

For starters, there was the DVD I chose to watch. I'll tell you right now kids, it's a good thing I get that "all you can rent" deal at the video store, because if I'd actually paid $3.50 to see this, I'd be pretty pissed off right now. The film in question is Death 4 Told, allegedly presented by "Master of Modern Horror" Tom Savini.

Let's clear a few things up, shall we? For starters, Tom Savini isn't a master of ANYTHING, let alone "modern horror". He is not a particularly accomplished director (only two feature film credits to his name so far). He's an effects guy. Not that I'm dissing effects guys, not at all. Once upon a time I studied film effects in art school. But, just because one can sling fake blood with the best of them, this does not make one a "master of modern horror".

Also: Tom Savini didn't have jack shit to do with the production of this film. He didn't direct it. Didn't write it. Didn't even sling any fake blood, so far as I can tell. No. He had a small role in it, and about three minutes of screen time. And for this, they plaster his name all over the cover as well as a large red photograph of his face.

But I digress. This film was quite possibly the worst horror film I've ever had the misfortune of seeing. It wasn't laughably bad. It wasn't mockably bad. It wasn't "let's blog this derisively" bad. It was just BAD. Complete worthless shit. Looked to be filmed on someone's home camcorder. The sound levels were so assed up that the background music drowned out the dialogue. Not that the dialogue was anything special.

The stories (this was a collection of four) were derivative and pointless. There was nothing - NOTHING - even remotely creepy or disturbing about any of them. What really blows my mind though, is that the user comments for this film on the IMDb are overwhelmingly positive. At least one of the commenters admits to being in this P.O.S. film, and I have to wonder whether all of them were. He claims it had a budget of $90,000 which is about $89,500 more than I would have given it credit for.

Following that, tonight's episode of Hit Me Baby, One More Time was so crappy that I turned it off about halfway through just so I could come here and bitch about how bad it was. I'd only heard of two of the acts (Glass Tiger and Club Nouveau), and all five of their round one live performances totally bit. Even the two songs I liked, they bit. And I was having a hard time making myself care much about their cover versions.

The host did mention that last week's internet vote showed that We The Viewers thought that Howard Jones should win, and that the studio audience was way off in voting for Irene Cara. Toldja. Howard Jones was robbed. Robbed, I say.

I am quite sure something else sucked today, but I can't remember what it was. Oh yeah, I was watching this film Beyond Borders on cable OnDemand. Okay, okay... I know it got really bad reviews, but I'm an Angelina Jolie fan (and Clive Owen doesn't hurt, you know). And I know Angelina Jolie is getting the bad homewrecker rep lately, but you know what, she gives $9 million of her own money for global relief every year. And she got a pilot's license so that she can airlift supplies in. What does Miss Aniston do? Huh? Huh? Jack, that's what. And now she's whining about how she wants to adopt a Cambodian baby too, so that maybe Brad will love her again... yeah, okay.

Wow, that was quite a digression. Add Jennifer Aniston to the list of things that sucked today. But anyway, I was watching this film on OnDemand, and you're supposed to be able to stop those and start them again where you left off. And I was about 3/4 of the way through it, and I was getting hungry, so I thought hey, I'll stop this and fix myself a vegetarian chicken burger. So I did. And when I went back to re-start it, it wasn't in my queue any more. WTF? So now I have to get it again, and let it play for a couple of hours until it gets to the point where I left off. Crap! Crap, I say!

Right, then. I think I've vented quite enough for this evening. Perhaps what I need is a good healthy dose of Magical Trevor. Because, you know, the tricks that he does are ever so clever.