Wednesday, April 13, 2005
OMFG!!!1! It's the END TIMES!!!111!!
In which V. wonders when we stopped having miniseries, and started having TELEVISION EVENTS.

Okay, so. I watched this here Revelations show event. I was expecting it to be crap, and crap it was. A few notes, though: the effects, so far, have been decent (not great, but decent, especially for a shitty TV movie event). Some of the acting is decent. The plot, however...

The first thing I noticed about Revelations was that We The Viewers were shown about a gazillion locations around the world in the first two minutes. Yes, two minutes. I took note. There were subtitles, date/time stamps, all the stuff that I'm used to seeing on X-Files episodes that let you know where people are and what you're looking at. All of this was presented in a way that suggested all seven or eight hundred locations were of DIRE IMPORTANCE. Five minutes into this bullshit, and I'm already lost.

I mean, dang. We have characters on a plane. Characters in Mexico. Characters on the ocean. Characters in college. Characters in an airport. Some of them are the same characters. I don't know any more. My head is spinning. I'm pretty sure We The Viewers are going to be expected to remember these important details later, in which case I am doomed. Dooooomed.

So it starts out with Gimli from Sliders. He's some sort of professor, and he's giving a rambling Nova-esque lecture about the big bang and creation and god and What Does It All Mean, Anyway? We are shown a rambling Cops-esque montage of people beating up on one another.

Switch to this Massey bloke (Bill Pullman) on an airplane with some Satanic Dude who killed Massey's daughter and removed her heart for sacrificial purposes. They taunt each other. Creepy Satan Man seems to stop some turbulence using MYSTERIOUS VOODOO or some shit. Ooo.

Switch again! Look! Mexico! People in Mexico ride the bus! Whaaa?

Switch! Airport! Revelations really keeps you on your toes with the rapid-fire scene changes. Massey has arrived home, presumably from Creepy Satan Man's trial. It all seems to be a huge media spectacle. I'm 99.9% certain that during this scene I heard "Paging passenger Aleister Crowley," but it's entirely possible that this program event was already sucking so badly that my subconscious mind started making its own fun.

Switch! It's the ocean! There's a boat! And subtitles! By the time I'd gotten my head around the rapid scene change, the subtitles had gone and I completely missed what they said. Like I really care, anyway.

Switch! Back to Mexico! The mofoing opening credits haven't even run yet! There's some miraculous manifestation of the crucifixion on some big rock. This is crystal fucking clear, but this nun lady feels obligated to narrate the whole scene for everyone. Look! It's Jesus! He's... he's... turning his head!! Thanks, Sister Obvious.

Switch! It's Gimli from Sliders! Hi, Gimli! What are you talking about? Fuck if I know.

Switch! It's the ocean! OMFG, y'all! There's a baby in the ocean. Why? I don't care!

Now, finally, the opening credits roll. After a tedious set of adverts in which we are advised that erections lasting longer than four hours (while rare) are serious and require medical treatment, the "plot" of this "film" "event" slowly starts to take form.

Some trampy little girl with a bad attitude sasses a bit at her redneck dad. She's going to be late for school. Inexplicably, her route to school involves walking through a golf course. Um, yeah, sure. There's a storm a-brewin'. In lieu of a normal raincoat and/or umbrella, she's sporting one of those clear plastic $3 ponchos that people buy at outdoor sporting events. WHY?! Anyway, she gets hit by lightning. I found this scene nearly as hilarious as that scene in Pet Sematary when Gage got hit by the truck. They both got knocked out of their shoes. Fun times.

Insert a lot of tedious Bill Pullman crap here. My attention drifted towards the throw rug in front of my television. It has stripes, and fourteen of them are purple. If Revelations had been more interesting, I wouldn't know this bit of fascinating trivia as normally I have better things to do than count the stripes on my rug.

Back to Poncho Girl. Poncho Girl is now braindead coma girl. Her redneck dad is all keen to have her pronounced dead so he can sell off her organs. Ahh, parental love. But look! She's speaking Latin and stuff! Sister Obvious arrives on the scene just as Coma Girl freaks out and has a bout of automatic writing. What does she write? I don't care! But it looks like a tic-tac-toe grid.

Oh wait, it's a map. To this incredibly tedious and boring Massey bloke. Bill Pullman can be more entertaining than this, I know it. He has some rambling conversation with Sister Obvious. There are twenty green stripes on my rug. I think maybe they threaten to stalk each other.

Bill Pullman and Gimli give a lecture. What the hell do these people teach? It seems like some weird kind of God vs. Science smackdown.

Bill Pullman goes home and Googles Sister Obvious. She had a sister who was maybe part of a suicide cult. I really don't know for sure. My rug has stripes in two shades of blue.

Switch! Damn, I thought they had given up on the sudden and alarming scene changes. Bill Pullman goes to visit Creepy Satan Man in prison. He's totally batshit crazy. OR IS HE? Maybe he really does have Mysterious Voodoo. He launches into some kind of bizarro rant about how he doesn't bleed. Then he uses the food slot in his cell door to slice off one of his fingers. It doesn't bleed! OMFG!!!1

We find out that Coma Girl's map included some picture of a donkey that Bill Pullman's dead sacrificial daughter used to draw for him all the time. He seems to think it's special but really it's a crude drawing and nothing to brag about. This makes him decide to go investigate things.

Sister Obvious meets him at the airport. She is ALL THE TIME quoting scriptures. It's really freakin' annoying. Bill Pullman thinks so, too. He goes to the hospital where he finds out that Coma Girl has dental fillings lodged in her brain, and that the doctors are all scoffing at the nun.

Switch! We're in a church! There's some kind of freaky hand-touching ceremony going on for the ocean baby.

Switch! Back to the hospital. Sister Obvious has a scripture for everything. Maybe she'll get hit by lightning next. She makes some comment about Bill Pullman's daughter's heart, which really crosses the line. I mean, rude. Damn.

It's the exciting conclusion of this week's episode! Coma Girl's heart stops, and then starts again! This seems to happen only so that they can make some stupid resurrection reference. Then they showed previews for next week's episode, but I fancied some toast with jam and wandered away.

What profound lessons did I take away from this? Well, I know that tonight's Law And Order was the biggest Law And Order of the year - and NOT because of the murder!