Sunday, March 13, 2005
Mansquito: A Critical Analysis
Every once in a while, a film comes along that challenges our intellect, defies common plot conventions, and presents vital probing questions into the very nature of our existential struggle.

Mansquito is a cautionary tale about what happens when people muck around with science and generally Play God. In the world of Mansquito, a deadly mosquito plague has seized America and holds all of its fragile citizens in the Icy Grip Of Fear. Our only hope for survival is a mysterious experiment spearheaded by some asshole bloke and his two sexy Scientist Bitches. One of the sexy Scientist Bitches is Musetta Vander from one of those Mortal Kombat films. The other sexy Scientist Bitch, according to the IMDb, has done rather a lot of soft-core porn.

Anyway, the Scientist Bitches have come up with some special Hero Mosquitoes. Releasing the Hero Mosquitoes will presumably counter the effects of the Evil Mosquito Plague and the epidemic will die out. Their dodgy asshole boss has arranged for the final testing phase to be conducted on some death row psycho killer.

This is one of many times that this film asks you, Dear Viewer, to completely suspend disbelief, physics, the laws of the universe, and/or common sense. What exactly are we testing on the psycho killer? Why? How? Is he to be bitten by hordes of Hero Mosquitoes to see what might happen? Injected with something? We don't know. I'm guessing they're going to test A Serum on him, because in these sorts of dodgy sci-fi films, there is always A Serum. But I really don't know.

Anyway, the whole plan goes completely wrong. The psycho killer escapes, as such characters often do. In a frenzy of almost entertaining action, He shoots up the lobby of the Science Building, kidnaps Porn Star Science Bitch, shoots her, and then holds Mortal Kombat hostage. Then, The Reactor blows up. Of course it does. Films like this always have A Reactor, and said Reactor always Blows Up.

Mansquito escapes through a storm drain, and Mortal Kombat's policeman boyfriend (Parker Lewis in a hideous cheap suit) arrives on the scene.

Mansquito begins to Transform. He hunts down his tarty ex-girlfriend, transforms all the way, and kills her. Frankly, I have serious issues with how rapidly the psycho killer went full-on Mansquito. I mean, even Brundlefly took a few days to reach critical fly mass? I really don't think it's at all realistic to accept that Mansquito's entire body composition changed within a couple of hours. Please, this is an insult to my intelligence.

But I digress. Mansquito kills his tarty ex-girlfriend by giving her a massive skeeter bite and draining out her blood. Following this is a load of really tedious filler. Parker Lewis attempts to console Mortal Kombat, who needs to Focus On Her Work. She too has been affected by The Reactor Explosion, but she decides to hide it for now. Her boss is a total prick and blames her for everything. She likes to smell flowers. She can smell Mansquito.

Mansquito kills a shitload of people in a bar. Mansquito kills every last person that Mansquito sees. At first, this is pretty awesome. Carnage is always fun, especially carnage perpetuated by a bloke in a really crappy rubber suit. But it kind of gets old when everyone dies. It removes the element of suspense. Oh no! Will Mansquito kill this person? We don't know! Oh wait, we do know. Everyone dies.

Mortal Kombat develops a weird craving for blood. She wants to have sex with Parker Lewis. I question her judgment. They're getting it on. She scratches his chest and starts sucking his blood. He stops her... not because he's weirded out by this, but because his phone is ringing. He has to get back to work. Mortal Kombat gets sick in her bathroom, which looks suspiciously like a public restroom, complete with industrial wall-mounted hand soap dispenser. Seriously, real people don't have those.

So yeah. She's transforming too. Mansquito wants to mate with her. I say go for it, Mansquito has a bit more sex appeal than Parker Lewis. I'm sure there are some more plot developments around here somewhere, but to be perfectly honest I kind of dozed off.

Next thing I know, Mortal Kombat is in the hospital and Mansquito is on a complete rampage, killing cops left and right. Mansquito is impervious to bullets. Everyone within range is firing at this mofo, and the bullets just bounce right off.

Suddenly Mansquito's back splits open and he has wings. He lumbers clumsily into the air on his tiny, tiny wings. I can't help laughing. The geniuses in the Sci-Fi channel's special effects department milk this for all it's worth, and I say kudos to them.

From this point, it's pretty much total chaos. Parker Lewis, Mortal Kombat, and Mansquito all end up in the sewer, where Mortal Kombat and Mansquito engage in what Parker Lewis later calls "a battle of epic proportions". Mansquito is, like, the Rasputin of the Mutant Insect world. He gets shot at. He gets shot in the head, and snot comes out. He gets hosed with a fire extinguisher. He gets bashed about the head with an axe. Parker Lewis frigging tasers him.

Actually I think some of this stuff happened in the science lab. There was almost no sense of linear action.

Anyway, in the end Mortal Kombat electrocutes Mansquito and they both die. Parker Lewis says some crap about doors closing and new beginnings, and then the credits roll. And I'm left thinking. Thinking about man's existential struggle. Thinking that I'd really, really like to get my two hours back.