Life presents us with many difficult questions. Where do we go when we die? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do they keep making Brittany Murphy films?

Today I watched Uptown Girls because (a) it was on cable, (b) I had nothing else to do, and (c) I am apparently either a dumbass, a masochist, or more likely both.

I won't take away any of the precious, precious moments of your lives by forcing you to read a play-by-play of the tedium that masquerades as the plot of this film. Instead, cast your memories back to Ye Early 90s, when some crap band called Blind Melon thrust upon the world their ghastly video plague, "No Rain".

Imagine that "No Rain" were a feature-length film. Now, imagine that the Bee Girl is Dakota Fanning, and that she is accompanied by an emaciated cokehead. Throw in some slapstick comedy (specifically, the emaciated cokehead takes numerous pratfalls and gets hit in the head a lot), an Evil Heather Locklear, and a smattering of shallow, one-dimensional supporting characters.

That sums up the film pretty well, I think. In the end, all of the characters Grow As People and Learn Valuable Lessons. And I do mean all of them. Even the ones who only had about five minutes of screen time shed their bitchy skins at the end and emerge as Wonderful Kind People.

Crap. I'm actually kind of mad at myself for wasting my afternoon. Okay, it wasn't a complete waste - Dave Navarro has a cameo towards the end. And as far as I'm concerned, there's always room for Mr. Navarro. I am all about the eye candy, yo.