In which V. is out of town until Friday, and in the meantime presents some capsule reviews of the films she has seen whilst on holiday.

So yeah, I'm not at home right now. I'm typing this on a laptop, and I really hate laptops. But look: I have seen some films. I've had pretty either/or luck on this trip, really. The films I've seen have either been totally brilliantly awesome, or else they've reached new heights of suckiness. Let's begin.

1. The Ring Two
This American Remake of the Japanese film sucked far more than I expected. Okay, it's a remake of a foreign film - I am opposed to these on principle. If you want to see the Ring series, watch the frigging Japanese series. I don't care if you hate subtitles, or feel alienated by foreign cultures. Deal with it, lazy American. The cultural alienation is a substantial part of what makes Asian horror films so fucking creepy to begin with.

But I digress. This film blew. It's not even accurate to call it a remake, as the American sequel bore no resemblance to the Japanese sequel. With the remake of the first ring film, at least they made an effort (albeit weak) to keep the original plot intact. And this time they actually had Hideo Nakata (director of the original Japanese Ring) at the helm. Holy fuck, he's butchered his own movie. How sad is that.

The lesson I want you kids to learn today is this: watch foreign films. Avoid American versions of them. Why? Because Americans fuck shit up and turn awesome things lame.

2. The Time of the Wolf
In contrast, this is a prime example of a foreign film that sucked beyond belief. I'd been wanting to see this for quite a while and had really high hopes for it. The director made this other film, Funny Games, which was a completely amazing film that I liked a lot. I was intrigued by the premise of this film: a family is victimized in a brutal home invasion type crime just as some mysterious apocalyptic event causes civilization to crumble.

The problem is, this film is ALL premise. No plot. Stuff happens, but nothing really interesting. No explanations are forthcoming. We never find out WHAT happened. We don't know what peoples' motovations are. It's just... dull. Incredibly dull.

3. Haute Tension
OMFG. See this movie. Do not read reviews of this film. Do not let anyone attempt to tell you anything about this film. Just trust me when I say it's awesome, and don't go asking questions. It's one of those mindfuck plot twist movies, and the less you know about the twist, the more your mind will be fucked. Yes, there are plot holes. Yes, you have to kind of suspend disbelief. So what, just let go of reality and ride this one out. It's one of the more fascinating horror films I've seen in a while.

4. Oldboy
I promised my friend Badcandle a report on this one. And my report is: AWESOME. This one really merits a full post of its own, but I am growing weary of typing on this stupid laptop (and to be honest, I'm kind of itching to watch the Tom Waits episode of VH1 Storytellers). OMFG yet again. I lack words. See this film, and see High Tension, and don't let anyone tell you a damn thing about either of them. Oldboy has a few mindfuck plot twists of its own. I was left pretty speechless at the end of it.

Right then. I think my work here is done.